Stop Using IFS as a Coping Skill: The Biggest Mistake People Make in Internal Family Systems Therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has become one of the most talked-about approaches in modern psychotherapy — and for good reason. It's a powerful model that helps people understand the different "parts" of themselves that shape their thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
But lately, I'm seeing a major problem.
People are turning IFS into another coping skill. And that completely misses the point. In fact, when people seek coping skills for anxiety and OCD and IFS is used this way, it can actually keep them stuck.
Let's say the quiet part out loud.
IFS is not a skill. IFS is an experience.
When therapists turn it into a technique or a script, the entire model collapses into something it was never meant to be.
The “IFS Skills” Problem
IFS is sometimes referred to as “parts work therapy” or simply “parts therapy,” since it recognizes different parts or subpersonalities within each person and works to resolve conflicts between them. Clients sometimes describe parts work therapy like this:
"First I notice the part. Then I thank the part. Then I ask the part what it needs. Then I reassure the part."
That's not really IFS. That's a calming exercise dressed up in parts language.
IFS is not supposed to be a checklist you run through whenever you're uncomfortable. It's not a grounding technique, a self-soothing trick, or a method for managing anxiety. When people use it this way, they're not actually relating to their parts. They're trying to manage them.
And parts do not like being managed.
When Therapy Becomes Another Control Strategy
Here's what often happens. Someone feels anxiety. Immediately a "manager" part shows up and says: We need to fix this. So the person runs through the steps — identify the part, talk to the part, try to calm the part.
But look closely at what's actually happening.
Another part of the system is trying to shut the experience down. That's not Self energy. That's a control strategy. And when parts feel controlled or pushed away, they tend to get louder.
Why This Matters for Anxiety and OCD
This becomes especially important for anyone dealing with anxiety disorders or OCD.
OCD operates on a very specific loop. A person feels anxiety or uncertainty, then performs some mental or behavioral action to reduce the distress — checking, reassurance-seeking, rumination, mental rituals. If someone begins using Internal Family System therapy for anxiety, it looks like this:
"I'm going to talk to my anxiety part so it calms down."
That can easily become another compulsion. Instead of learning to tolerate uncertainty, the person is trying to neutralize it. And OCD loves that game. It will happily use therapy language to keep the cycle going.
This is why therapists who use Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy for OCD are careful about letting therapy become reassurance or emotional control. Sometimes the most important step in healing is learning to stop trying to fix the feeling.
What Real IFS Work Actually Looks Like
Real IFS work is not a script. It's not a performance. It's paying close attention to what's actually happening inside you, in real time.
Imagine a client who feels a sudden wave of shame in session. Instead of immediately trying to soothe it or reason with it, we slow down. We get curious. What just showed up? What does this part believe about you? What is it trying to protect you from?
That shift — from managing to understanding — changes everything. The part that had been showing up as a wave of shame starts to have a story. It's been carrying something for a long time. It doesn't need to be quieted. It needs to be heard.
That's the difference. Curiosity replaces control. Relationship replaces management. Presence replaces technique.
Therapy Is Not About Emotional Control
We live in a culture obsessed with emotional regulation. Everywhere you look, there are techniques promising to help you manage your feelings.
But real psychological change rarely comes from perfect control. Sometimes healing begins when you learn to stay present with experiences you used to run from. When anxiety can exist without you needing to solve it. When the parts of you that felt like enemies finally get the chance to be understood.
That kind of work doesn't come from a script. It comes from experience.
Ready to Do the Real Work?
If you struggle with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or OCD, working with a therapist who understands both ERP and experiential approaches like IFS can make a significant difference.
Avi Anderson Therapy specializes in OCD and intrusive thoughts, anxiety disorders, relationship anxiety, and experiential psychotherapy — in person in Las Vegas and via telehealth.
And remember: Keep it RAW and REAL!