Gottman Method for Couples Therapy in Las Vegas
With IFS, humanistic, existential, and experiential integration
Most couples who walk into my office aren’t necessarily dealing with total chaos. They’re dealing with life itself: full, demanding, beautiful, exhausting. Life. Two careers. Bedtime routines. School lunches. Grocery lists. A calendar that seems to refill itself the moment you clear it.
My wife and I have five kids — including young triplets — and some evenings feel like an accidental case study in human communication. You love each other, you try your best, but small moments slip through the cracks. Someone’s tone is sharper than intended. Someone’s need goes unspoken. Someone shuts down before they even realize it’s happening.
When couples sit down with me, I often feel a familiar atmosphere — a mixture of love, tiredness, protectiveness, and hope. People usually come in with parts of themselves already activated: the overwhelmed part, the lonely part, the responsible one, the one that feels unappreciated. I’ve come to see couples therapy as two internal worlds trying to reach each other while both are trying to hold everything else together.
Gottman Therapy gives us a clear, grounded structure for understanding these patterns, and Internal Family System, humanistic presence, and existential depth help us explore what’s happening inside each person as those patterns unfold.
Patterns That Create Distance
Gottman identified four predictable patterns — the Four Horsemen — that quietly weaken connection.
IFS therapy helps us see that each Horseman is usually a protector, not a villain.
Criticism — “The Overwhelmed Part Trying to Be Heard”
In busy families, criticism often comes from a part that feels unseen or overloaded:
“Please notice what I’m carrying.”
This isn’t malice — it’s a bid for connection wrapped in frustration.
Contempt — “The Part That Has Lost Hope in Being Understood”
A sarcastic tone, an eye roll, a sigh. Contempt emerges when a part feels deeply alone with its pain. It’s not about superiority; it’s about emotional exhaustion.
Defensiveness — “The Protector of Worth and Effort”
A defensive part shows up to say, “I’m trying. Don’t erase that.”
Underneath it is usually fear: fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being misunderstood.
Stonewalling — “The Part That Is Flooded”
Stonewalling is the body’s way of saying:
“My system is overwhelmed; I need space to regulate.”
Gottman found that heart rate, cortisol, and cognitive functioning shift rapidly in this state.
In session, we slow the moment down and address the Gottman Four Horsemen — and then we move IFS-style inward: What part of you showed up just then? What was it trying to protect? What was it afraid would happen?
Suddenly irritation becomes tenderness, defensiveness becomes clarity, and shutdown becomes vulnerability.
Softening the Startup: The Micro-Moment That Predicts Everything
Most conflict outcomes are determined in the first few seconds. A harsh startup comes from a scared or overwhelmed part. A soft startup comes from a grounded, Self-led place.
In therapy, we practice shifting from the part that feels activated to the part that feels steady — the part Yalom might call “the observing self” and IFS calls “Self.”
This alone can transform the entire conversation.
Solvable Problems vs. Perpetual Problems
Gottman’s research shows 69% of conflicts are perpetual — not fixable, but infinitely workable.
My existential side resonates deeply with this. Two humans, two histories, two nervous systems, two internal families of parts — of course some differences will remain.
The question becomes:
Can we live with this difference with care, curiosity, and Self-energy?
When couples move from arguing the content to exploring the meaning underneath, things shift from gridlock to dialogue.
You can almost feel the air change in the room when a partner says:
“This isn’t about the dishes — this is about a part of me that gets scared of being alone in the load.”
Repair Attempts: The Invisible Glue
Gottman found that repair attempts are one of the strongest indicators of a relationship’s future.
From an IFS lens, repairs are moments when Self peeks through. From a humanistic lens, they’re moments of deep presence. From Yalom’s lens, they’re encounters — two humans meeting again, even for a second.
Repairs are small:
“Let me try that again.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
A softened breath.
A hand on the arm.
A shared smile at the absurdity of life.
Healthy couples aren’t the ones who avoid rupture —
they’re the ones who know how to return.
The Sound Relationship House
Here’s where Gottman’s structure and your internal world meet.
Every layer of the house reflects both interpersonal and intrapersonal work.
Love Maps: knowing your partner’s inner world — and knowing your own.
Fondness & Admiration: appreciating each other’s qualities and the parts inside that carry them.
Turning Toward: catching bids for connection — often small, subtle, and easy to miss when life is full.
Positive Perspective: assuming goodwill even when protectors flare.
Managing Conflict: regulating internally so you can stay connected externally.
Life Dreams: understanding not just goals, but the parts and longings behind them.
Shared Meaning: the rituals and rhythms that help a relationship feel like home.
With young children, these layers can erode quickly.
In the therapy room, we rebuild them quietly and steadily.
Emotional Availability: The Math and the Meaning
If each partner is emotionally available 50% of the time, the chance of both being available at the same time is only 25%.
This is not a failure of love.
It’s the reality of human nervous systems, parenting, responsibilities, and the internal worlds that compete for attention.
When couples understand this, shame drops away.
Blame softens.
Compassion increases.
How Couples Therapy Sessions Actually Feel
Couples often tell me the room feels “steady” or “safer” than they expected.
We don’t rush.
We stay curious.
We track the parts that show up in each partner and explore what each one is protecting.
A Gottman intervention might slow down a specific moment.
An IFS question might reveal why the moment mattered.
A Yalom-style reflection might bring depth and humanity to the here-and-now.
A Sue Johnson frame might help partners tune into each other with attachment-level clarity.
The work becomes interpersonal and intrapersonal at the same time.
People rediscover parts of themselves — and each other — that have been buried beneath stress.
Repair Attempts: The Invisible Glue
Across wisdom traditions, there’s an understanding that peace doesn’t come from avoiding conflict — it comes from understanding the self and the other with compassion.
When partners sit together, breathe, soften, and speak from the deeper places inside them, something subtle opens.
Not dramatic.
Not cinematic.
Just deeply human.
Often that’s where healing begins.
Let’s get started.
Contact Avi Anderson to schedule a couples therapy session today.