Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples Therapy in Las Vegas
With IFS, existential, humanistic, and Gottman-adjacent integration
Couples don’t usually come to therapy because they don’t love each other.
They come because something in the emotional bond feels just out of reach.
The logistics are often manageable.
It’s the longing that feels harder.
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you with me?”
“Will you turn toward me when I reach?”
When couples sit in the room with me, the space becomes a laboratory of emotion — how it rises, how it hides, how it protects, how it reaches. Sue Johnson calls EFT “a map of love,” and I’ve found it to be one of the most human maps we have.
Attachment: The Heart of EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is built on the core belief from Bowlby, Harlow, and Ainsworth:
We are wired for connection.
When we lose that connection, the body sends off alarms — Panksepp’s “primal panic.”
racing heart
tightening chest
mental fog
urge to fight or shut down
fear that the bond is slipping
From an Internal Family System (IFS) lens, primal panic is the exile — the tender part — crying out.
The protectors (anger, withdrawal, logic, shutdown) come in to stabilize the system.
Neither partner is the enemy.
The cycle is the enemy.
A.R.E. — The Questions Beneath Every Conflict
EFT crystallizes attachment needs into three questions:
Accessible: Can I reach you?
Responsive: Will you respond?
Engaged: Are you here with me?
In session, these questions show up without anyone naming them. A partner sighs. Another looks away. Someone’s voice cracks. Someone’s eyes soften.
This is where humanistic therapy and EFT blend beautifully — noticing the micro-moments that reveal the emotional truth beneath the surface argument.
The Negative Cycle: The Dance of Protection
The pursuer–withdrawer pattern is the most common dance couples fall into.
The pursuer moves toward because a part of them fears abandonment.
The withdrawer moves away because a part of them fears failure or becoming overwhelmed.
Both are protecting the bond.
Both are longing for closeness.
Both feel alone in different ways.
When couples realize this, shame lifts. Blame dissolves. Tenderness returns.
Secondary vs. Primary Emotion: The IFS Bridge
Emotionally Focused Therapy and IFS therapy meet naturally around this concept.
Secondary emotions (anger, irritation, shutdown) are the protectors.
Primary emotions (fear, longing, sadness, shame) are the unburdened truth beneath.
In session, we slowly access the primary emotion so each partner can reveal their deeper need in a way the other can hear.
This is often the moment when the entire relationship begins to shift.
Withdrawer Re-engagement & Pursuer Softening
These two transformational movements in Emotionally Focused Therapy create the turning point:
Withdrawer Re-engagement
The withdrawing partner finds the courage to stay emotionally present rather than shutting down. Their protective part steps back so a softer part can speak.
Pursuer Softening
The pursuing partner shifts from protest to vulnerability. Instead of “Why don’t you care?” they can say, “I miss you, and I’m scared of losing our closeness.”
In these moments, Yalom’s idea of “the healing power of the encounter” becomes visible.
Two humans meeting each other fully.
The Emotionally Focused Therapy Change Process
Emotionally Focused Therapy unfolds in nine predictable movements:
Stabilizing the emotional environment
Identifying the negative cycle
Accessing the parts inside driving reactivity
Reframing conflict as a cycle, not a character flaw
Deepening emotional engagement
Creating corrective emotional experiences
Helping partners reach and respond in new ways
Revisiting old conflicts with this new foundation
Consolidating the new cycle into everyday life
It’s not fast work. It’s real work.
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Sessions Actually Feel
Emotionally Focused Therapy sessions are spacious, calm, and deeply human.
We pay attention to breath, tone, micro-movements, eye contact, and nervous-system shifts.
You might hear me say things like:
“Pause… something important just happened inside you.”
“Try that sentence again from the softer part.”
“Stay with that feeling for a moment.”
“Look at your partner — what do you see in them right now?”
Nothing is forced.
Nothing is rushed.
The room becomes a safe container for vulnerability to emerge at its own pace.
A Gentle Spiritual Note
Many wisdom traditions suggest that healing happens when we finally allow ourselves to be seen without defenses.
Emotionally Focused Therapy creates a space where that can happen.
Not through pressure, but through presence.
Not through tools alone, but through being human together.
Two people softening.
Two people reaching.
Two people remembering their bond.
In Closing
Most couples aren’t broken.
They’re overwhelmed, protective, exhausted, or unsure how to reach for each other without getting hurt.
Emotionally Focused Therapy helps uncover the longing beneath the reactions and gives couples a way back to each other that feels steady, honest, and deeply human — the kind of connection that lasts because it’s real.
Let’s get started.
Contact Avi Anderson to schedule a couples therapy session today