Love Is Hard, and That’s Normal. How Couples Therapy Can Help

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of sitting with couples, it’s this:

Most people aren’t struggling because they’re broken.
They’re struggling because they’re human.

Life piles up — work, parenting, bills, laundry, texts, dinner, repeat — and the relationship ends up living in the margins. Even in my own home, with five kids (yes, including triplets), there are nights when my wife and I look at each other and laugh because we’re too tired to do anything else.

Nothing dramatic.
Just life moving faster than either of us expected.

And that’s what most couples bring into therapy: not crisis, but accumulated moments of missing each other.

1. The fight between couples is rarely about the topic

Couples often tell me they’re arguing about chores, timing, tone, or logistics.
And sometimes those things matter.
But underneath, the real questions sound more like:

• Do you see me?

• Do I matter?

• Are we still on the same team?

Sue Johnson would call this the attachment layer.
Gottman would call it the emotional need behind the complaint.
Internal Family Systems would say these reactions are “protector parts” trying to guard something softer.

Different models, same truth:
Most conflict is a signal, not a character flaw.

2. Gottman mapped the patterns — and they’re surprisingly ordinary

When people attending couples therapy hear terms like “Four Horsemen,” they imagine dramatic behavior.
But most of the time, the patterns show up quietly:

• A slightly sharper tone

• An eye roll that wasn’t meant to hurt

• A defensive explanation

• Someone going quiet because they’re overwhelmed

Nothing theatrical.
Just human beings trying to stay afloat.

In session, we slow these moments down.
We look at what the moment felt like from the inside.
And most of the time, irritation is just a tired form of longing.

3. Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples understand why small things feel big

EFT gives us the emotional map:

When connection feels uncertain, the nervous system reacts.
Not dramatically — just enough to shift the tone.

A quick withdrawal.
A small pursuit.
A tightened voice.
A sigh.

These are signs of people caring, not signs of failure.

Once couples see the pattern, the room usually gets quieter.
You can almost hear the nervous systems settle.

4. IFS helps couples speak for their feelings, not from them

Parts work is incredibly grounding for couples.

Once someone can say:

• “A part of me felt unappreciated.”

• “A part of me panicked when you were upset.”

• “A part of me shut down because I didn’t want to make things worse.”

…the whole conversation shifts.

We move from blaming each other to understanding ourselves in front of each other.
That’s where real communication begins.

5. Repair isn’t complicated — it’s consistent

Most couples think they need big gestures to reconnect.
Not true.

Gottman found that repairs are often tiny, subtle things:

• “Let me try that again.”

• “I see your point.”

• A softer tone.

• A small smile at the right moment.

It’s not fireworks.
It’s maintenance.

The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who avoid conflict.
They’re the ones who know how to come back to each other.

6. The work is relational, but it’s also personal

One of the things I love about couples therapy is how interpersonal and intrapersonal meet in the same room.

We’re exploring:

• The relationship

• The individual parts inside each person

• The lived family system

• The here-and-now dynamic

• The deeper meaning (Yalom’s layer)

• The small pragmatic skills (Gottman’s layer)
  

It’s not dramatic.
It’s honest.

And it works because it approaches people as whole beings trying — in their own imperfect ways — to love and be loved.

7. The truth: Love is less about magic and more about attention

In my own marriage, there’s no mystical secret.
We’re busy.
We have a lot going on.
Some days are great, some are messy.

What helps is the simple, human stuff:

Noticing.
Turning toward.
Softening when possible.
Repairing when not.
Assuming goodwill.
Making room for each other’s inner worlds.

None of this is easy.
But it’s real.
And it’s sustainable.

Final Thought

If love feels harder than you expected, nothing is wrong with you.
You’re not alone.
You’re not failing.
You’re simply living a real life with a real partner who has a real nervous system. Just like you.

Love doesn’t need to be dramatic to be meaningful.
It just needs space to breathe.

If you are considering Couples Therapy in the Las Vegas or Henderson area, contact me, Avi, today!